so I;m sure you all think I'm dead...nope still here!! will post later!

So I don't know how to do that cool thing where you can make an entry a link to click on so my big long entry won't flood your friends page, so I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to deal with it.....

Anyways, so I can't believe it's been since May since I updated...I'm gonna have to go read back a few entries to figure out what needs to be filled in, which is a whole lot I'm sure. I got like a slight soap opera setting going on here. So time out for a sec while I check this out...

Ok wow. It has been forever. Ok so, Chelsea is now a little over 5 months old. And beautiful as hell. I know now who her daddy is. Jeremey. Who I never really talked about exept on June 9th of last year when he slept in my bed. I guess I never wrote about the part where we were "intimate" (if thats what you call it) for all of about a week before I hooked up with Marshall, then found out I was prego. Anyways, I should start with the part about how Jeremey began coming around when he heard that my baby looked alot like him. I was still with Marshall at the time, although was planning to break it off with him anyways, but didn't wanna have to deal with the crying fit all over again....Have you ever had to deal with a boy begging and crying for over 3 hours before?? It's not pretty, so I was not looking forward to going through all that again. Anyways, 6 weeks after Chelsea was born I sorta cheated on Marshall with Jeremey, so that ended me and Marshall (and it sounds horrible but it was way easier than breaking up with him the dignified way...I know, I'm a horrible person. But I'm sick of being unhappy just because I don't wanna hurt anyone else...) ANYWAYS, so then Jeremey pretty much moved in. Now, we kept this understanding between us (even since before I got pregnant) that neither of us were looking for a relationship, so yeah we would sleep together and he was staying here and whatnot, and we were still "intimate" (lol) whenever. But I still kinda had other guys I was talking to, as I assumed he had other females he was talking to.
----Now I guess I should give a little background here. Jeremey=hot, sexy, girl magnet, you know, the player type. Only likes the hot girls. More the type of guy that likes the girls who will get him whatever he wants, and he'll move on to the next one. Me=great personality, but looks, eh, not so much, not a dumb bitch to chase after a man. I'm more the girl that guys see as one of the guys, not the one they wanna date. Well, ok, I'm cute i guess, but we can just go with slightly overweight....So even when we met I never saw anything beyond friendship----Anyways, so one night I come home to Jeremey sitting me down and talking to me about how he was jealous of me and other guys and blah blah, so the convo turned into the "will you be my girlfriend" thing. Wow. Now this is after I straight up told him that I was ok with the set up we had going on for like the past two/three months he was staying with me. So I say yes. And it was great. Then not even a week later, he invites a girl over that he says was an old friend cuz he wanted her to buy him beer and whatnot. Ok. I'm not the jealous type. Well she comes with beer, which he chugs like 12 of, and he leaves with her to buy more beer, doesn't come back. By this point he was already wasted. So I already knew what was gonna happen. He's the "do anything when I'm drunk" types. We fight, he gets his stuff and leaves before I had even got back home. Next morning shows back up and remembers nothing. But I already figured he had done her, so I didn't talk to him, look at him, nothing. Then later a friend of mine that was over points out a hickey on his neck. So that was where we ended the "title". I still let him stay of course since I'm not the crazy bitch type, we have a child together, and he is still one of my best friends regardless. We never really did talk about it much, I mean yeah it hurt me, but I guess I kinda already saw it coming. So I didn't throw it in his face. I guess you could say I forgave him....Stupid me, I know, but I understand that shit happens when you get blackout drunk like that. And I'm sorry, but if you are gonna take out someone else's man, get him wasted, and then fuck him, you don't leave a hickey unless your doing it on purpose. Am I right?? Bitch. Anyways, I know he really was sorry, he even cried. I don't know why he would be so regretful towards me since I pretty much told him that it can all go back to the way it was before, before the "title". Then a couple days later he gets arrested, which we had already knew was going to happen sooner or later. That was July 7. He was sentence to two years, which boils down to 10 months with good time and whatnot. Anyways, we've been writing back and forth constantly, talking on the phone, etc. With every letter its gotten to be more about he is sorry he didn't realize what he had til he was gone and that he wants to be with me when he gets out and it's going to be so great I don't even know.....blah blah blah. The bad thing is that I'm falling for it. I've always been the strong independent female that knew to avoid these types of guys. And at the very least keep myself emotionally detacched. But I just don't know anymore. It all seems to be sincere. And what guy wouldn't be satisfied with a girl who straight up says "I'll still be here to write you, I'll still send you money, you still have a place to come home to when you get out, but you don't have to be telling me that you love me and wanna be with me to get me to stay." And yet, he still dropped the "l" bomb and tells me how he wants to be with me when he's out and blah blah blah. . . Should I believe him?? It's hard to believe that I would be the one that he would change for. Maybe it's just lack of confidence in myself....I don't know. Guess I'm just looking for outside opinions. If anyone wants to bother to read all that nonsense. lol. Sorry. I've never been the boy problem type, but he seems like he could really be the one. And he's the father of one of my children, so that would be a bonus. I just don't know. I've fought this long to keep myself from getting attached to him, but now I think I'm failing. Ok, well that's not to say that I still don't have my own "things" going on while I wait for him to get out....which is a whole new dillemma--one in which i bring on myself I realize. But I'm not even dealing with that one right now.

So, enough about that, sorry it's just been really bothering me. New topic, I have finally started college. YAY ME!! I got a school permit for the time being. Until I get my full license in either October or January. I ended up not having my hearing until September 3 (it kept getting rescheduled), and I never even had to walk into the courtroom or anything. As soon as my lawyer showed up, the ADA offered a deal to drop the 2nd offense OWI to a second 1st offense and give me a deffered judgement if I plead guilty, which is gay cuz I most certainly was not guilty, but I took the deal. However, what was not made plain to me right away was that even if I fought the charge criminally, the DOT would still consider it a second offense and I would still have to lose my license for a year, take the class, the evaluation, etc. So i pretty much just spent the same amount of money on a lawyer, etc as I would have spent if I would have just plead guilty in the first place. But seeing as how I wasn't even intoxicated, meh, whatever. So, I now attend college full-time. Woo hoo. It's actually pretty amazing. And I have so much support from everyone that there's no way I won't be able to pull through. I guess you can say that it feels pretty damn good knowing that I'm doing something finally to make my life better. At the same time tho, it's terrifying. I'm not the change-friendly type. So all the sudden its starting school, and planning on moving to a whole new town, not having my friends and family as close....I haven't even told my mom that I'm moving yet...But I can't keep letting her run my life. I mean jesus, I'm 23 years old! But my mom was all i ever had. But there's no way I'm letting her talk me into staying in this damn town any longer. Not to mention once winter hits, I know I won't be wanting to drive an hour (on clear road days) everyday and risk dying....I hate winter. I just haven't decided whether to discuss it with her now or wait til I have already paid for deposit and first months rent on a place---cuz then she can't talk me out of it. Then it's finding a babysitter in Waterloo, a school for shayna, etc. But I don't care. I need this change. I need to get away. This town and everyone in it are just holding me back. I love my friends to death but none of them are going anywhere. I will not be that person.

Anyways, that's a little (or not-so-little) update on my life. I am going to try to add regularly so it won't always be such a novel. But the baby is now awake...Hooray so I gtg.

This is me updating while getting a new tattoo with my wife. Well me first and then the wife. Matching tattoos that I designed. We're finally doing it! Thanks to pat. The only person to do any of my tats--and they're all perfect (not to mention FREE). The first time either of us has seen pat or Dena since Xmas (when they effed in my bed when I was gone and therefore agreed to 4 more free tats) and we immediately are getting tattoos. I need a new addiction....but how can it get any better than free and still professional. So one down, doing one now and I'm still planning on the other two. I should probably just not, but they're just so fun and beautiful and addicting. I'll try to post pics of me and the wifeys tats for anyone who cares. I'll also be posting pics of baby Chelsea, who is already almost 7 weeks old!. Wow time flies....

Oh and btw, my wife is really my nearly best friend/roomate/twin sister kimmy. But we might as well be married except for the lesbian sex part lol.

Edit:: I wonder if anything in this ramble makes any sense to anyone...yes I'm a little different. But that's why I'm awesome. I'll post a real update on life tomorrow when I'm not being stabbed. This is working really well as a distraction tho. Thanks journal! My old buddy, old pal. Lol I need sleep...

I cannot believe that my baby girl is two weeks old already!! It's just gone by so fast already. She's still such a quiet and mellow baby! No lie, she only ever cries when she wants a bottle or needs changed. Otherwise I can lay her down and she will just sit quietly for hours, and I'll be thinking she's sleeping cuz she's so quiet. It's amazing, lol. Poor shAyna is soooo jealous though....grandma has been spending alot of time with her though, which is good, but I think she really wants some only her and mommy time. I feel so bad... But we'll get more used to this soon. Just takes time....I never realized how different it would be to have two babies. But it's still amazing. I highly recommend it lol.

In other news, my mommy and step daddy brought me a grill a few days ago. So I've been grilling alot. Too bad it's gonna rain the next two days :( depressing. And my car is officially junked.....note to self: if you ever get another car, I'll kill you if you don't check the oil!!!!! Yeah, my poor intrepid blew it's engine...however, my step dad just talked to me about buying me a new car as soon as I get registered for school. And not just a car, A MiNIVAN!!!! I'm so freaking excited. So now I've had a fire lit up under me to get my financial aid and all that taken care of. However, the downside to all of this is: I can only get a vehicle and go to school if my court date turns out positive...otherwise I won't have a license til next January...all for a bullshit 2nd offense owi I was charged with 5 months after the fact.....and I wasn't even intoxicated...and this was last October that I got the paperwork. And I'm still waiting for my hearings. I hate the court system. Anyways, my motion to supress hearing is the 20th. So wish me luck!!! If that doesn't get my case dismissed, then trial BY JURY (yeah, a freaking jury!!!) is in may. Hopefully it doesn't get that far.

Anyways, I think I'm going to play some final fantasy x while I wait for little girl to wake up and eat. I haven't played it in forever!!!! I'm excited now. Ttyl.

It's now 7:30 am. I have been up all night, and now that baby is finally asleep, it's way too late to pass out now. And I Haven't posted anything in a long time. So here we go:

Well, I finally had my baby as you can tell. A beautiful baby girl named Chelsea Jo. She was 8lbs and 10 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. I forgot how much childbirth sucked....or maybe it was just worse since I was induced. Who knows? Bottom line is, I am not going through that again. I made an appointment in like 5 more weeks to get my tubes tied. Yes, I know I'm still only 23 and blah blah blah (everyone is trying to talk me out of it) but honestly, I know that 2 kids are enough for me. If someday that changes, then there's always adoption. And everyone else says "well what if you meet a man later on that wants kids?" Well, in my opinion, I don't give a shit what a man would want. Why should a woman have to sacrifice her body to please a man....So any man of mine will be perfectly content about me not having his children. Who knows, maybe it could be all brady bunch style and we just each bring our own kids into the relationship. Anyways...

I also decided to get back together with Marshall. No matter how much the little shit he did irritated me, I still loved him. But we decided that we are going to wait for quite a long time before trying to live together again. He agreed that he has more growing up to do, and honestly he is trying. It's the price to pay for dating a younger man I guess....But I was just the same way when I was 19..Honestly, my daughter was the only reason I grew up. And since he wants to be a part of my life, he knows he needs to be there for my kids too, and he actually wants to!! Not to mention he's trying to learn all the baby stuff like feeding, burping, even changing diapers. It's weird having a man around that actually wants to help with all that stuff.

So I've been staying at my mom's house for like the last month. She had carpel tunnel surgery and wanted me to stay here to help her, but to also be here for when I went into labor. I'm finally starting to go crazy...Me and my mom are like the best of friends, until we're together for too long....and believe me, it's been toooooooo long. So today, I'm packing up everything and finally going home. I miss my house so much. And then I'll finally be able to get back into my own schedule. Shayna's going to freak though, which is the only thing I'm really worried about. She's not gonna know what to do when grandma and grandpa aren't there to run to when mommy's punishing her....which I am actually very thankful for. She's turned into such a spoiled little thing. But, it'll be nice to go home. And for me to finally have time with just me and my girls. So, I'm going to get off here now and start folding clothes and doing laundry.

So as much as I would love to go back to bed, I guess I should be utilizing the time the my dearest mother has my 3 year old. The coffee pots on and I'm ready to clean and do my laundry. I swear I'll finish this time! Unlike yesterday when I just cleaned the house but not the bedrooms which need it the most. Not to mention that I decided to put my crib together yesterday and now need to make a place for it in my room somewhere so it doesn't stay cluttering up my living room. So here we go. Time to plug in the iPod and rock out while my fat, pregnant ass waddles around the house. Yay.

So my friend brought over his wii and I have wireless Internet in my house. So he downloaded this thing (like an app or whatever) called fmylife.com. It pretty much has random posts from people like funny stories or dumb stuff that's happened to people today. I haven't checked out the site yet, but some of the things that happened to these people really makes me happy to be me. I know I'll be saying fml alot less from now on.

Anyways, I'm exahusted And really sore from baby crushing my bladder so I am calling it a night. Work tomorrow from 5 til 9 (what a waste of my time). Then the baby shower Sunday at my moms house. Whoo hoo. It sounds like alotnodnpeople are coming so it should be alot of fun. Thank god for friends. I hate doing the family thing with my step dads family. They don't even like me lol. Not sure why but oh well. They probably won't come anyways because they don't believe in second baby showers. Okay, I think that every baby should have a shower. It is reason tk celebrate. And every woman can use the diapers and stuff, I don't care who you are. But anyways, enough of that. I'm really tired.

So, yet again it's been forever since I've posted anything. I probably should do it more often since I can get alot of things off my chest, but I don't so deal with it. Not like anyone reads this anyways, which is probably a good thing I guess. At least this way, nothings written down where anyone I may be talking about will find it.

So, an update would be appropriate I guess. I am now almost 8 months pregnant, and miserable I might add...I cannot wait for this to be over and to bring another beautiful baby girl into this world. I am a little bit nervous that it's getting so close, but I've done it before and I know what to expect. Sleepless nights, crying, screaming, pooping, all that fun stuff. But I feel like I am alot more patient now and think that I'll be able to handle it way better than when Shayna was born and I didn't really know what to expect. Plus I think Shayna will make a terrific big sister. I can't believe I'm going to have two kids in a little more than a month!! Yay me.

Anyways, I broke it off with Marshall finally. It just got to be too much. All the bitching and yelling at him to help me out with things. Not to mention he was a complete slob, lazy, blah blah blah just like a normal boy. I finally just told myself that I was sick of stressing about him on top of everything else. I guess the 4 year age difference really did matter. He just wasn't mature enough, or ready to give me and my kids what I needed. He just cared about himself, and if I am going to subject myself to being in a relationship, I need someone who's ready to be more of a man. Is that so wrong?? Unfortunately, I do miss him. We are still friends and talking and hanging out and all of that, but I feel so guilty knowing that I broke his heart. But considering I have threatened him in the past and even broke up with him for a few days (for the same reasons) and he still didn't feel that he needed to make a change, I guess he should have seen it coming, right? Anyways, I don't really think that it's fair of me to change him if he wasn't ready. It's the best thing for both of us.

So I really should be finishing cleaning my house, but I got real bored with it pretty quick. All that's left to do are the bedrooms and mopping the floors. Oh crap, and laundry I guess....Boo to laundry. But I did get some really amazing 6 dollar dryer sheets that make my clothes smell amazing....So I guess it's off for more coffee and getting my ass off the computer. I will certainly try to post more. I must admit it feels pretty good to ramble off to something that doesn't try to give me advice and it's opinion in return. But feel free to comment--if someone is actually reading this, that is. Bye.

Well, where to begin today. It's nice to be on a real computer rather than my phone, for starters. So much easier and faster for me to type. So, here I am, now 5 and 1/2 months pregnant. My outlook has completely 180-ed just like I figured it would when the little thing got big enough for me to feel and notice. So the sucky part is just beginning. I have lost my waistline and my hormones, omg, are going insane. My poor little boyfriend who gets to withstand it all. You'd think he would try to help a little bit more or at least stay out of my way more often, but no. Men always tend to do the exact oppisite of what they should be doing. Well especially when they are 19 and still have alot of growing up to do. I'm not even going to start bitching about him right now. That'll take me forever. Back to the point. I'm over half done and getting so excited to have a new baby in the house. Shayna is getting pretty excited to and is always talking about the baby in mommy's tummy will be her little brother or sister. She wants a sister, well today anyways. Marshall is hoping for a boy, which I'm semi hoping not....either way I really can't care too much--I'll have to be happy with what I get. I just wish I could find out what it is. Stupid title 19. Maybe I should just fake random uterus pains and bleeding just so they'd give me another ultrasound. Would that be low?? So a little less than 4 months to go....not bad I guess.

Anyways, enough about that for a while. Life today is going alright. Still can't find a job. Not a whole lot of places are looking for pregnant employees apparently. Good thing for roomates--so i get to play housewife..Which is okay since I have this need to clean everything all the time. I can't wait to get a job though. I'm so sick of being stuck in the house.....I'm starting to lose my eyesight from over-internetting so Ill finish tomorrow or something. As if any of this is actually interesting anyways.

So here i am. Finally. About 4 months pregnant and feeling a little on the skank side since i am not a hundred percent on who the daddy is. Either way i know none of them will be part of its life so no baby daddy drama. Which is excellent. Anyways i still have marshall who said he'd be there for me and both my kids. I'm glad i finally found myself a good guy. What other guy would start dating you and not even a week later find out your pregnant and still wanna be with you? He's amazing. A little lazy though. I just wish he'd help with the house a little. But i guess since he's the full time college student i shouldn't push so much. So i do it all. And its fair since he pretty much helps financially. I think i make a pretty amazing girlfriend. Even though i'm a little pregnant and bitchy on occasion.

So i've decided i'm going back to school. Only problem is i wanna do something i'm good at and like which is pretty much anything. Any ideas for me? I have til january to decide so let's see what i can figure out by then. But i'm going to stop now so i can clean. My house is trashed..

So as it turns out I am in fact pregnant again. And even more ironic than that is that it's my other babys daddy too...Which is such shit! I only got desperate enough to be with him again just that one time! And we even used protection! Stupid 99.9 % effective condoms...Anyways so I'm now ten and a half weeks pregnant with another little bundle of joy...I guess I'm still trying to get used to the idea considering I'm a 23 year old working at a Subway. I can't support 2 kids on that...So I've got this plan of action right now that is going to be perfect. But i have to go cook breakfast so i'll finish later. Bye bye.

As if the subject doesn't say it all. What the fuck am I going to do? I am not going to give it words just yet in case its a false alarm (as if that didn't just make it obvious). But it sure would make a lot of sense.


On the plus side though I now have a boyfriend. Who has actually been like my best friend for about the last 3 years. I thought it'd be weird at first but its not! Which is great. We're still getting along as well as we did before but with more touching?? lol. It's probably the best decision I've ever made. Not to mention he is only 18...oops. lol 4 years isn't so bad though. Oh and in less than 2 weeks I will be in possesion of my own house!!! Just me and my baby girl again. It'll be exciting. But for now that's all the happiness I can express considering.....Well, you know. So I am going to go now and will post results and probably ALOT of swear words say around 4 o'clock. If your interested.

So here I am just sitting at work. Bored as hell. Apparently no one wants to eat subway today. Which is cool with me cuz i'm getting paid to sit on the internet...

Anyways, life is very unfortunate, as usual..But the good news is that i'm finally fed up with all the bull shit that i've decided for sure that i'm moving to Waterloo in 2 months max. I want to go now but for sure need to save up some money first. I may have found another part time job so that should help out alot. Especially considering that i can go in and work whenever i want. Hello awesome paychecks. But i suppose i should find something useful to do with my time. I'll be on later i'm sure, that is if i can't find any gas money to get me to waterloo....Hopefully i'll get tired.

So today has been kinda sucky. Shayna has been a little punk all day long, it was hotter than crap and I had to run like 9000 errands (with no air conditioning in my car, i might add). Plus everyone has been acting so ignorant today. Like its national "lets act like we have no brain cells" day. Seriously.

So because it was hot me and Shayna ended up going swimming out at Airport for a little while then came home to the central air. My favorite sin. :)

So now she's sleeping and I am bored listening to a playlist of songs that I made on MySpace. Did I mention I was bored???? My hair is really really soft right now though. My one plus of the day....

Yeah so i'm posting from my phone cuz i'm sitting at work bored off my ass. I'm kid free for the weekend and still have nothing cool to do...Man, i need some new friends....I did get a little bit of joyous news today. That i'm not going to have to move back with my mom til my apt comes up on the 1st of august. That is the best effing news ever...My mom is the devil to live with...But any ways i should probably go work now...Hooray for subway...Not.

It's damn near 6 am and I can't sleep...It's the most horrible feeling ever. Like last night when I told Jeremy he could sleep in my bed--if he stayed on his own side and didn't snore....He did both....lol...So I couldn't fall asleep when every ten minutes he would stop breathing all together and scare the shit out of me...Then he would cuddle up next to me, which wouldn't have been so bad, if I was in fact doing him lol. So much for being nice and offering out my bed...Now I know better.

I'm so glad I have a new journal. It's easier than having to hand write in my own, and at least on here there's technically no physical evidence to be held against me later in life...which is why i've been seriously considering burning all my exsisting journals. I hate looking at them and looking back to my teenage days where I thought I was so oppressed and no one understands, blah blah blah. And I thought that life was hard then...Yeah.

So I am so bored out of my mind right now. I can't sleep. Shayna is still sleeping. Heather passed out on me. And, well, the internet is really kinda gay. So now what?? Hopefully finishing my tats can be penciled into my schedule today. Then it's work at 4. Then I'm hopefully running away to Des Moines for a few days with Heather. That'd be sweet...Eff New Hampton in its stupid A. I guarantee I'm homesick by morning...

Nothing else to babble about really. I'll probably be updating later from work where I'm sure I'll be bored as hell too. Gotta love phones that have internet. Well Peace Out.

It was so worth the wait. Heather, I love you so much right now. Who else would drive 3 1/2 hours to see me, just like that?? I sure hope I get to run away with her for a while....That'd be sweet. I need a vacation. So badly.

Sometimes I really wish I wouldn't have had Shayna so it would be so hard for me to run away. But she really forces me to think about things and then I realize I would never be able to survive anywhere but this shitty town. Talk about RUDE AWAKENINGS.

OMG!!! Heather needs to hurry the french toast up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.myspace.com/so_fragile_yet_so_devious

So I don't think this is going to be all that exciting. It's been almost two years since I had a blog...But I kinda miss it. So my life right now consists of working at Subway (eat fresh! lol) And if you think it's funny to sing the $5 footlong song to me, it's really not...I also have a 2 year old daughter thats funny as hell. Trust me, there'll be pictures soon enough...And that's pretty much it. I'm living with one of my really good friends parents because I am broke and they are the shit. Crazy, but the shit nonetheless...So never a dull moment here. Right now, Dena (my adopted mom) is taking Pat's (my adopted dad) naughty stuff she found and drowning it in a pond...lol. That should make for an interesting battle....So yeah, I guess I really have nothing else to ramble about right now, so enjoy!